How I Figure Out What I Want in a Relationship (Part 1)
Before you decide to enter into another relationship, it is critical to take a step back and ask yourself, “What am I really looking for in a partner?“
Although some may believe being overly critical takes away from spontaneity and romance, let me tell you, it actually promotes a healthier relationship.
Navigating the complex world of relationships can be challenging, especially if we don’t have a clear idea of what we want. As someone who has been in and out of multiple relationships, I have come to realize that having a blueprint for our own desires and boundaries is crucial to avoiding wasted time and energy.
Dating is an essential part of the process of finding the right partner, but it can also be a long and winding journey, full of detours and dead ends. Without a clear sense of our own needs and expectations, navigating the dating scene’s ups and downs can be challenging.
Therefore, it’s essential to take the time to reflect on what we want in a relationship. Here’s how I figure out what I want in my relationship.
Who Am I Outside of Relationship?
When asked what we want in a partner, most of us answer with vague responses such as “someone nice.” (I am guilty of this!)
I have witnessed many individuals choosing partners with less consideration than they would put into selecting their next meal.
When I enter a date without putting much thought into it, I might be attracted to someone who turns out to be ineligible. He could be too assertive, too passive, uncooperative, overprotective, unreliable, demanding or have many personal quirks. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate these kinds of traits in a relationship!
I have ever gotten into disagreements over friends, house cleaning, time schedules, communication styles, habits, or cultural differences. Of course, many of these ended up as my exes.
I’m sharing this because I believe it’s crucial to understand that finding the right match starts with knowing yourself. As a unique individual, you need more than a generic idea of who you want to date.
- What do you see as a priority?
- What behaviours were not acceptable to you?
- How much space do you need?
- Physically active or more sedate?
- How do you manage stress?
- How do you spend your free time?
The rule of thumb is if you can’t accept certain traits or behaviours outside of your relationship, you are most likely unable to do so when you are in a relationship.
So when you start dating, what you do in your relationship should be somewhat similar to what makes you happy right now.
If you’re looking for a fulfilling and satisfying love life, it’s crucial to thoroughly examine your past relationships. By comparing your love history to your future aspirations, you can clearly understand what you truly desire in a relationship.
Friend-tested Relationship
If you are unsure what to look for in a partner, you can find resources around you. Your friends and family often have your best interests and may have helpful insights regarding what they believe would work well for you as a partner.
Consider going on double dates or bringing your potential partner to meet your family, then ask your loved ones:
- Do you see us as a good match?
- Based on your knowledge of my personality, do you think I would be truly comfortable being with them?
- What potential disagreements might arise in the future?
Take time for yourself.
Suppose you are fresh out of a relationship or still hurting from the last one. Take some healthy time to grieve and take care of yourself. Having some time for yourself will help you feel strong and better equipped to think about what the healthiest side of you would want in a partner.
Exiting a relationship can be a painful experience. It’s common to feel regretful and to struggle with accepting that it’s all come to an end. After all, we’ve invested our emotions into the relationship. However, it’s also important to remember that these feelings are normal and understandable.
Select values that you must have and find someone who fulfils them
I believe in simplicity. Focus on core values that stand the test of time.
When searching for a partner, prioritize your top three values. Find someone who embodies those values, even if it means letting go of less important qualities like looks or career. For example:
- If you value stability, freedom, and service, look for someone who has a stable career, is independent, and gives back to society.
- If you value popularity, success, and wealth, then you should find someone with those qualities who enjoys social events and has a trust fund. However, you might have to give up on other things such as family time to prioritize these top three values.
- If you value variety, adventure, and humour, find someone who enjoys the same things, even if it means sacrificing a career or wealth.
- If you value family, friends, and morality more, then you might have to forego travelling or adventure.
- If you value beauty, nature, and relaxation, find someone who is attractive and relaxed, even if they are not financially successful or career-oriented.
Zee
Meet Zee, a passionate advocate for helping young women heal and break free from toxic relationships.
