Are you struggling to get your partner to…

1. express their feelings or validate yours
2. put in the effort to support your emotional needs
3. put in more effort to make the relationship works
4. change the way they communicate with you
5. keep their promises made to you 

Because for me, I struggled for many years in and out of various relationships! This phenomenon made me puzzled even more when I thought being a communication graduate I would already have mastered the skills of effective communication. Yet, when implication was made into a relationship it doesn’t seem to do its wonders.

For the longest time, I finally sat down with myself to review and reflect on some of the successes and failures I had gone through trying to get my partner to do what I want them to do. So keep on reading, because I am going to spill the tea, let my secrets and you will LOVE it!

I sat back in my chair and took in a deep breath of disbelief.

“MY NEEDS HAVEN’T BEEN COMMUNICATED AT ALL!”

Let me explain this.

Some years ago, I was dating Mr A, and I often get into a feisty argument with him because he just could not keep up with his promises. Today I can feel frustration when promises are broken but what’s different is I understand the behind-the-scenes. Previously, all I did was go over the same statement “that he didn’t keep his promises”I am upset you can’t keep to your promises”, but being left hanging and kept in the unknown are elements feeding into my frustrations. In summary, I didn’t communicate my needs to him at all.

I started changing the way I put my words to play, weaving my needs, emotions and expectations altogether, so to get that sweet spot to get my then-partner to do the things that I want them to do.

During our time living together, I need MR A to take on a more proactive role in doing the chores to maintain the house, especially cleaning up the dishes – psst, that’s my biggest household pet peeve.

This is me trying to get my message across:

“Hey MR A, I appreciate how you are placing your focus on work to bring in revenue to sustain our lifestyle. I see that you love and care for me, but I have got something that I would want to talk about. Are you available or have the capacity to hear me out? … It bothers me when you do not do your dishes after each use, it might not have occurred to you, but I love my pot and pans just like how you love your gadgets. It pains me each time to see what I love is in an undesirable state. I would really love it if you could do the dishes once you are done with them, I know this may not come naturally to you, but are you willing to do this for me?”

Before striking any serious communication, it is my habit to seek permission so to ensure the person or people involved are in space to listen.

Drawing correlations between what I cared about through his lenses is essential to help the other person take notice of how what you are bringing is indeed important to you. However, whether or not he is going to make a change, is something not within my court. I have already done my part by ASKING nicely.

Sadly, even after several communication episodes with Mr A, MR A was reluctant to make the change for me. Certainly, there’s a lot of disappointment around this episode. But at the same time, it also shows a lot about how we value things differently. While I respect that he chooses to place his focus elsewhere, we were not seeing values the same way and this is not something I am willing to let go of. Eventually, we parted ways.

The essence of communication in a relationship is to get the message of your needs across, how and why is important to you, and finally, let them know how they can contribute. We may start the conversation differently, I like to begin with gratitude, and some like to begin with other forms of love languages.

If all things FAIL, I would want you to ask yourself the following questions:

• What are your needs?
• How can you take care of yourself?
• Are you willing to let go of your expectations?
• Are you able to accept who they are?

And from there you decide whether this would be the relationship you want to have.